A Kind of Loneliness
Loneliness. Hard to describe, even harder to sit with.
This is a vulnerable moment, and if you were to ask me tomorrow, it would probably be a different answer. Nothing lasts forever, that is the nature of things, but feelings like this while they’re here, ask to be noticed.
Right now I’m in a really nice hotel room, about to go to the spa, and all I can think is that I wish I had someone to share this with. There’s something incredible about sharing beautiful things with other people; a sunset, a walk through the forest, a film that’s a favourite. Not even in a romantic way necessarily just someone to say, this is nice, isn’t it? We are social creatures at the end of the day, and we love to share. It feels almost instinctive “look at this beautiful experience I’m having come be in it with me.”
The last few years have shifted something in me. I think that’s why this feeling has been sitting a little closer to the surface lately. I swore off relationships after a few things that’s happened. Everyone was starting to feel very alike and not in a good way. Which meant one of two things: either everyone was the same, which isn’t true, or I was attracting the same kind of person. Which is something I can change, in time. So while I was figuring that out, I decided it was best to be intentionally single. But even so, while I don’t feel drawn to a relationship right now, I haven’t been able to switch off the part of me that still believes in something deeper. And I think that’s why I feel its absence in moments like this.
What has worked in the past, what I still believe is the answer, is community. It’s about meeting up with people, doing things, even if it starts alone. My friends are the greatest on the planet, and if I asked to make plans, if I made the effort to reach out they would be there. My family would be the same. I’ve just been distant recently, for reasons I’m still untangling. I think I’ve been retreating into myself a bit.
If I’m honest, I’m feeling a little self-conscious at the moment, and my life feels like it’s at a bit of a standstill. Feels is the important word, considering I’m quite literally graduating tomorrow. I think I’m used to chaos, and now that things are calm, I don’t quite know how to sit in it. Peace, right now, feels unfamiliar almost, and I hate to admit it, a little dull. I’ve been judging myself in quiet ways, assuming my community might be doing the same, even though I know they wouldn’t. I am surrounded by love, if I could just be open enough to reach for it.
I can understand the emotion, understand where it’s coming from, but that doesn’t really stop it from coming. It is something I always seem to do this, try to trace it back, make sense of it and figure out why rather than just sitting in it. But maybe it isn’t meant to be solved. Maybe it’s just meant to be noticed, and then allowed to pass through. Maybe this is exactly what was needed, this moment. Something to notice, rather than fix. Confidence is something you build, and life becomes what you allow it to be.
In a little while, I’ll go watch the new season of Daredevil, curl up in bed, and I’ll be grateful for the space. But right now, in this moment, I am lonely.
And that’s okay.
